Gay marriage

My June 30 column

Marry ‘em all, let God sort it out
An Episcopalian, a Southern Baptist, a Catholic, a Mormon, a Jehovah Witness and a Church of Christ leader gathered to change a light bulb. How long did it take them?
The answer is the light bulb never did get changed because the six religious leaders immediately began arguing over the first chapter of Genesis and everybody left in a huff.
One reason we shouldn’t base our laws on religion is there’s not a lot of agreement AMONG religious folk about what’s kosher in terms of morality … and that’s just among the Christians.
Never mind Judiasm, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Janism, Sikhism, Zorastrianism and ever popular Nuwaubianism, etc, etc.
And what about the atheists and agnostics, don’t they count for something?
This all came to mind recently in the days following the controversial passage of the gay marriage law in New York. Much of the criticism of the law I have heard does not come from any rational perspective other than “I think it’s a sin and it should be against the law.”
For the record, I am all for allowing gays to get married. My personal views on homosexuality have evolved over the years from “Ooooh, that’s disgusting!” to “That’s really not any of my business.” While I’d rather not see two dudes kissing each other on the mouth, I find that less offensive than seeing a great big woman walking around in shorts with her gobby fat, Moby Dick-white thighs on display.
Now THAT’S an abomination.
Opposition to gay marriage seems to take three forms. The instinctual repugnance many people feel toward homosexuality is one. Another is the idea of marriage as a one-man, one woman institution is so deeply ingrained in the human psyche that to tamper with it is to invite societal upheaval. Third, there is a legal argument to be made on the case, usually involving questions of adoption, inheritance, etc.
Taking the last argument first, I can’t see any reason why our legal system can’t sort out the legitimate legal questions just like it eventually sorted out critical legal issues pertaining to slavery, civil rights, etc.
I don’t see a big problem with gay adoption. Opponents say it an unhealthy moral environment for children to be raised in. In a county where it seems like half the kids in the public school system are being raised by their grannies because their skeezer moms and sack-of-crap dads are in jail for blowing up the trailer bathroom while trying to become methamphetamine magnates, that argument wobbles. Then you’ve got the non-druggies who are so stupid they think Cheetos are a vegetable and working for a living is a disease of the unfortunate who are too stupid to trick Uncle Sam into providing free food, clothing and shelter.
Give me a couple of loving, responsible, hard-working Adam and Evans any day.
As for the one-man, one-woman forever concept, I would suggest its adherents take a closer look at the real world where divorce is common, one-parent families are the often the rule and where adultery has been known to take place.
Whatever the human psyche compelled us to do these past few thousand years, the question today is what is right and wrong with homosexual marriage. If it becomes the law of the land across the country, as well it might, what happens next? Will polygamy be acceptable? Will a man be able to marry his pet Schnauzer? What if the Martians land; can we get legally hitched to a three-headed, green fellow with a bulbous head, no eyes and lobster claws for hands?
Ah … the slippery slope and the fear it induces in the easily spooked.
(For the record, I’d say yes to polygamy, no to marrying your Schnauzer and a wait and see attitude on the Martians until we get a look at their firepower.)
In terms of government, gay marriage should be looked at as a legal contract binding two people to certain reasonable rules and regulations. Those rules and regulations should be just plentiful enough to answer the same essential legal issues that heterosexual married couples face.
However -- and this point will not sit well with my gay friends who will surely vow to scratch out my eyes – private people and organizations who do not approve of homosexuals should have every right to discriminate against them.
If you don’t want a gay couple (married or unmarried) renting your nifty Cape Cod bungalow, then a No Gays Allowed policy should be perfectly legal.
If you don’t want gays attending your church, belonging to your country club, eating in your restaurant, that’s OK too.
And I make the same case for every other subset of human beings. If a black bus owner tells white people they have to sit in the back, then they need to get their honky butts down the aisle or take another bus. If a Jewish Country Club tells your WASP wife she can’t play tennis there, then the little lady needs to put her balls back in the can and go elsewhere.
Lester Maddux should have been able to bar blacks from the Pickrick Restaurant and they should have been able to tell him his weasely white behind wasn’t welcome at their eateries either.
Don’t get me wrong. All of the imagined acts I have mentioned above are loathsome. People who behave that way should be ostracized from polite society. They should be discriminated against by the decent people, who are much more numerous and generally better company anyhow.
But religious people should be allowed to preach, teach, philosophize, lambast and damn to hellfire homosexuality and its practitioners if they choose. If they can talk Evan into leaving Adam for Shirley, I say goody for them.
Don’t get me wrong. I do not advocate discrimination, but I say Americans should be able to discriminate most grotesquely.
Free will, someone called it.
However, government does not get to discriminate. Even a democratically elected government has to treat all its citizens fairly and equitably. The majority will be damned when it intrudes on the rights of individuals.
That means we all get to play the game with the same set of rules.
Homosexuals are taxed like the rest of us.
Homosexuals can be arrested for DUI like the rest of us.
Homosexuals can get sued like the rest of us.
Homosexuals can be policemen and firemen and soldiers like the rest of us.
And if they choose to get married like so many of the rest of us, let ‘em have at it.

Jimmy Espy is a staff writer for The Summerville News. He can be reached 706-857-2494 or by e-mail at Hoodcsa@aol.com